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A wealthy matron(主妇，保姆) is so proud of a valuable antique(古董) vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.
Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.
Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"
"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."
A man walked into the office of the eminent(杰出的，有名的) psychiatrist(精神病学家)Dr. Von Vermouth, and sat down to explain his problem.
"Well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating(使产生幻觉)that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine(犬科的) complex," said the doctor soothingly(安慰地) . "Come over here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.
"He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."
"No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!"
"Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."
Mother had decided to trim(修剪，整理) her household(家庭的，日常的) budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress drycleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of hersavings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine(真实的，真正的) alligator(鳄鱼皮革的) shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors(供应商，销售商) were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle(讨价还价) " attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest(请便) . Maybe you'll luck out(走好运) and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps(沼泽，湿地) , set oncatching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls(拖拽) it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flipsthe alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"